Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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