how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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