True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
