i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You took a bar mat shot.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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