'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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