one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
