dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
