I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
