The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Your cock deserves a montage
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
