I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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