winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I want her autograph on my taint
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
