so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
