Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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