I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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