Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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