I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Quick, to the slutcave!
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
