chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
