Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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