remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
