this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
whose parrot is this?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
