In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
