why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
