It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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