Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
