I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
