grandma shit on top of the toilet
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
