So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I miss vodka workout Fridays
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
this is an emotional support booty call
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
