ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
try to milk me bitch
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