can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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