My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
