my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
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I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
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Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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