Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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