I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
