I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
