you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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