Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
