who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
