Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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