and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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