I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
