I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
