She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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