My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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