i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
