I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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