Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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