Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
