My liver just broke up with me...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
