On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I have aggressive nipples.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
