sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How external is "for external use only"?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
