Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
