I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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