pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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