I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I had to cum in my sink.
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